"I either eat too much or starve myself. Sleep for 14 hours or have insomniac nights. Fall in love very hard or hate passionately. I don’t know what grey is. I never did."
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This was ridiculous, Alice knew, but yet couldn’t help her movements. She felt like this was her very last opportunity to make a change, - the last opportunity to find the happiness she had been longing for ever since things went down between her and Gabby Deveaux. She couldn’t quite put a finger on the situation yet; or more importantly figure out why all of these emotions started to kick in just now. Why had she not realized it before? Maybe she had, but denying the truth is oh so often easier than actually facing it, - shoulders back, chin up.
She counted her footsteps, tried hard to keep her mind from the thousand scenarios she had made up about how things would, should or could go. And she was scared. Scared that this would be the one mistake that would ruin their precious friendship forever. She was scared that she’d once again do something without thinking it through; without considering the consequences in the long run.
But maybe that was just who she was.
She shivered. Someone should seriously remind her why she had decided to wear a skirt at 4 o’clock in the morning. But then again, making thoughtless decisions was what she always did. She had not slept at all that night; her racing mind, once again, wouldn’t let her. And so this had to be done, she told herself as she counted the last steps to the doorstep. Dana’s doorstep; she had been there so many times before. Yet, every time it had felt so different from now.
She hesitated, - then rang the doorbell. The house was dark; the lantern next to Dana’s door was pretty much the only presence of light in the entire block. Footsteps echoed through the hallway and soon lights were lit in the living room. She felt herself shaking and realized she had not been this nervous ever since her first date with Gabby Deveaux, - and she hated herself for the comparison.
A confused and quite worried girl opened the door, - and God, was Alice happy that it was not Tonya answering the door. Still, she could barely look her friend in the eyes; felt ashamed of the desires she was feeling towards her very best friend. And without giving Dana any chance to take the lead in this conversation, she muttered a fast ‘hi’ and ‘I have to talk’.
Dana, caring as she was, stepped out of the doorway and partly closed the door behind her to prevent Tonya from hearing everything they’d say. The frown on her face was yet still there as she searched for the eye-contact that’d give her some clarification about the reason behind this unexpected visit. She whispered gently, “What’s going on? It’s 4 AM. Are you okay?” the hint of worry in her voice was impossible to miss as she spoke those last three words.
Alice took a deep breath and kept staring at her feet while picking up the courage to say what she had to say; to do what she had wanted to do so badly lately. “You can’t marry Tonya,” she said, and surprisingly her voice didn’t crack. Yet she felt weak, - because really, what argument could she possibly use to underpin that statement?
A high, annoying and fake-concerned voice interrupted the moment right after from inside the house, saying: “Sweetie, are you okay? Do you need me?” Yet, Dana’s gaze never left Alice’s; she was still desperately trying to find out what her friend’s intentions were. She opened the door; shouted back “No. No, no, it’s okay,” before turning back to the now very fragile looking figure in front of her. Alice was still trying to avoid any form of eye-contact by looking at her feet; Dana’s glare was only making her feel more uncomfortable. At this point, she wished she would have just stayed in bed. Sleeping pills would have done the job, too.
Dana shook her head, confused as she was. “What are you talking about? Why?”
“Because…” was all Alice could say. She dared to throw a glance at Dana, just to see whether her friend was yet getting annoyed or not.
“Because why?” Dana raised her voice, growing frustrated by the fact that they were still booking no progress as to get the situation cleared up.
Again, Alice threw a few glances at her friend, - hesitating whether to go for it or not. Considering how the person in front of her would react and deciding if it would destroy their meaningful friendship, - the one thing that was most important to the both of them, - or not. She whispered, once again but this time almost too soft to hear, “Because…” and then she leaned in, silencing Dana before she could say anything else; just a quick and unexpected move for them both, - and kissed her friend on the lips. The kiss lasted longer than Alice expected; Dana didn’t shove her away like she had feared. Yet, she could feel her friend tense up as shock took control of her body. And when they broke apart, she didn’t dare to look her in the eyes; ashamed of what she just did. Ashamed of what she felt and ashamed of what she was longing for.
And now Dana knew; there would be no point denying it. There was no escape route. There was no way out of this awkward situation. Not anymore.
Neither of them moved for a couple of seconds until Alice couldn’t take it any longer; she had to see the look on her friend’s face. Was she crying? Was she angry? Feeling sorry for her? But there was nothing, - no expression at all. Just her and the still piercing glance, searching for something that Alice could not understand. Dana’s mind was running at full speed; making decisions that Alice did not know about.
It took them a little while to take it all in before Dana moved just a slightly little bit forward, still hesitating and obviously thrown off balance. Alice looked at her, - in shock. She wasn’t going to, - was she? But before she could find the time to figure out what was really going to happen, Dana had already grabbed her shoulders and kissed her forcefully on the mouth. This kiss was nothing like the first; it was passionate instead of awkward. Hands and arms were being used to pull each other as close as possible as they both moaned into the kiss and gave each other everything they had. They breathed heavily as hands moved up and down from neck to back; neither of them caring about any of their surroundings.
When they broke apart, their foreheads were still resting against each others, neither of them wanting to snap back into reality; both scared of what was now going to happen to their friendship and to their future.
But then they did. “Fuck.” Alice whispered abruptly as she backed away from Dana. “Oh God,” she continued, while Dana was still trying to find her words, but failed miserably. Alice shook her head; didn’t know where to look or how to behave. “I’m gonna go,” she then said, nodding mostly to herself. And as she turned away from Dana, she repeated, - still out of breath, “I’m gonna go.” She practically ran away from the doorstep. Away from the house, leaving Dana unstable on her feet.
Dana watched her friend leave in a hurry, then sighed as soon as she realized what exactly just had happened. She massaged her forehead with her hand, feeling helpless and confused. How had she not known about the feelings Alice obviously seemed to have for her? And more important, how had she not known about her own?
She whispered to herself as she entered her living room, “Fuck, Alice. What the fuck are you doing?”